Love You Best
“Love you!”
“Love you too!”
“Love you more!”
“Love you best!”
Soon after Krystin & I started dating, we realised that we had different love languages. If you are not familiar with the love languages, there are five - quality time, words of encouragement, acts of service, physical touch & gifts (you can read more about them here). I receive love primarily by acts of service, while Krystin, being the wordsmith she is, receives love by words of encouragement.
In our marriage, I’ve found that no matter how much I did acts of service to show love, it never had the same impact as speaking words of love and encouragement to Krystin. All my life I had never developed the love language of words of encouragement, so this was a new area for me. It was something that I needed to work on in order for our relationship to continue to flourish. So I made it a point to use words to express love in more areas of life. As unromantic as it sounds, til today I have a weekly reminder to myself to encourage Krystin using words.
As parents, we have decided to try and be more well versed in all 5 love languages, so that there’s a better chance of our children consistently feeling loved by us, even if they lean towards a love language that may not be our ‘default mode’ of expressing love or one that we aren’t ‘naturally’ competent in.
One parenting lesson I have taken from my mother’s playbook is how it was compulsory to give her a kiss every night before bed and whenever we parted ways for the day’s activities. This small act of affection was mandatory, no matter the circumstance. I distinctly remember disciplined by my mother as a teenager and feeling angry & upset, only to be summoned straight back into the room with the beckoning of “where’s my kiss?”
At times, this very much felt like an obligation that my siblings & I were forced to fulfil. But I believe its persistence throughout the years has led to us practising this act of affection with ease. I think Asians (and males) in particular have trouble with this. Our parents grew up in a different generation, where love was shown through sacrifice - whether it’d be working hard for the family or being extra thrifty so that us children could have the life they never had. Outward gestures of affection or loving words seem to dry up as soon as we grow up, so as adult children we never quite learnt to demonstrate or initiate physical affection towards them. For this, I’m grateful for my mother, because as a fully grown man in my mid-thirties, I don’t hesitate in giving my mum a kiss.
Physical affection comes easily to most children, and especially Noah. In addition to the many cuddles, Krystin & I have made it a point to tell Noah that we love him at least once a day. He replies “I love you too!” with a kiss. But there are times where he forgets or gets distracted, and I have to remind him before he quickly says “love you too!” and plants a kiss on me. I hope being intentional in turning these small gestures and responses into a routine means it will become a family tradition of sorts, that will not faze him as the years go by. I often reply his “love you too” with “love you more!”
One day, as we were getting ready for bed, we did our love you routine, only for him to reply one better by saying “love you best!”
To hear something like that from a child will make any parent swell with joy. The innocence, love and cuteness in those words conjured up a moment of pure magic. Krystin & I are fully aware that our relationship with our children isn’t always going to be as simple as it is now and we aren’t going to be perfect parents. But one thing we are sure of - we will try our hardest to love our children, best.
I’d like to think this photo below is quite apt: it’s out of focus, slightly overexposed and imperfect. We would hope that when Noah grows up and sees this photograph, it helps him remember us as parents - who did the best they could and in many ways, hoped it was more than enough.
Shot on Portra 400 & Ilford 400 on a Nikon FM2.
2 photos by Sayher Heffernan.